do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
