Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
