I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
