if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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