How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Randomize
