I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
