The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
