So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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