i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize