I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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