I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
