i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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