So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
