why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
