OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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