i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
