i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
