My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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