he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
