Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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