i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize