My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Yo dont text me then not text me
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
