Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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