i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
