Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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