i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just want nice things and good sex
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize