You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
