So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
