You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
