Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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