all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
