Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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