Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
