Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
