DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
