party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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