dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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