Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
