so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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