Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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