Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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