This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
