So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
