Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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