take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
