but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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