I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
