The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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