people are starting to question the shark bite story
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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