So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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