I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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