Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
