Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
