Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
