....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize