there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
