im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
