I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
