Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
