I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
