I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
50% drunk capacity currently
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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