you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
